My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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