just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
