I think I won the penis lottery.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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