my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
