if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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