Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
