Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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