She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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