Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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