Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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