Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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