Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
