hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
