No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i've created a new STD.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
