It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
