What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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