dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
