Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
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My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
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Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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