Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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