i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
