Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
