whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
