yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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