dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
