my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
