there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
