So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
