i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
