I showed him my bush... on skype.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
