Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
