i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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