This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Randomize
