don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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