i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
