I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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