I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
