so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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