we're chasing vodka with high fives
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
