thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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