the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
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I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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