She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
