She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
