I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
