how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
