my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
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I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
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Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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