I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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