I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
