There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
