You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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