I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
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Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
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I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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