You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So apparently I’m into choking now
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