whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
