meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
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