This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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