Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
