I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize