For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
