you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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