Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
