I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
