Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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