Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
